My hair and other really important musings.
How do I say this without sounding like one of those self-obsessed girls with an eating disorder? Here it goes. I ate a giant cookie for breakfast and it was fucking awesome. That works. And this cookie was huge. Like, Andre-the-Giant’s-face huge. And much tastier. Not that I’ve tasted…nevermind. And now, despite the fact that I am: 1. at work. 2. amidst a spree of bad, bad hair days. 3....
We’re famous. Anonymously.
Taxes are a bitch.
This is the tame beginning to a long line of giant tax checks that the Gov’mnt will be checking this week due to Bushy’s penchant for financially raping single professionals. Oh, and also because of my Jessica-Simpson-like stupidity. I hate you, The Man.
A Walter a day.
walter the dog.
You are in your thirties. And by thirties, I mean late thirties. If you haven’t made it as a rock star by now, chances are slim to none that it will ever happen for you. Fine, I’m just going to say it: it’s not going to happen for you. And if you are truly being honest when you say that you make music for the sheer enjoyment of it then quit throwing temper tantrums when a local...
But I won't do that.
Today the Boston Weekly released their list of the 100 UNsexiest men. Some of my favorites among the list: 99. K Fed 79. Tom from Myspace 20. Raffi 16. Carrot Top 11. Michael Jackson 8. Osama Bin Laden Number one (because I know you’re curious) was Gilbert Gottfried a.k.a. if feces could talk, this is what it would sound like. I must say that I was thoroughly pleased with the list. No sign of...
I wanna get dooced.
Today I am writing headlines for a local family restaurant. The headlines are to accompany their upcoming “Pacific Northwest” menu promotion. Here’s what I have thus far: Remember Lewis and Clark? Eat at Elmer’s! Somebody shoot me. For realsies.
I am so tired. Despite a superfluous amount of caffeine, sugar and today’s surprise appearance of the sun. In fact, I am always tired. Always. And I LOVE to sleep. I would rather sleep than any of the following activities: 1. Go to Disneyland. 2. Go anywhere. 3. Eat cake. And this person below is pretty much my inspiration. Everything except the mild-form-of-retardation part. Cause I am NOT...
Walter got, um, intestinally backed up this last weekend. Cyrus and I opted to hold-off on surgery to see if he passes anything. Below is the BM report as of 5:03pm Monday. saturday night: 1 medium colored brown turd. sunday at noon: 2 poops. One featuring a wood-like substance. The other? Small rubber ball. this morning: Black colored deuce. What the hell? Still anxiously waiting for him to make...
Coke just released its new coffee hybrid drink called Blak. So, I tried Coke Blak for all my friends who have passed by it at the store and were tempted to buy if only to marvel at how much it sucks. Well, don’t do it. The thing is, I wanted to like Coke blak. Even if I do think the name sounds like some lame discothèque in Germany. Because I like Coke and I like coffee. Sounds like a pretty...
Share the road.
“Get out of the road, fucking biker!” “Yeah move it, bikefuck!” “Bikefuck?” “Yeah. Do you think anyone’s ever done it on a bike?” “No.” “SOMEBODY’S done it on a bike.”
Happy retirement to me.
If I were a contestant on Miss America and my question from the judges was “What would you do to make the world a better place?” this is how I would answer: “Well, James, I would let everyone in America retire at 25. That way, they can enjoy their free time while they’re still young, healthy and looking fabulous!” Of course, if I were a contestant on Miss America, it would be ok for me to say...
Thanks to Sauce (the local hip hop dance troupe I’m in), I had hair extensions for a performance this last weekend. Which is the same as a weave. Which makes me officially awesome. In case you’re not familiar: ————————————- WEAVE a: synthetic (fake) or real hair extensions worn by women, usually in conjunction with long...
Here lies me.
The following are things that may cause my untimely death: 1. Self-electrocution. 2. Loss of limb from sushi train accident and subsequent blood loss. 3. Walter attack. 4. That weird disease you get from using tampons. 5. The rhythm might actually get me.