this is tony. sometimes referred to as captain finger bang. he is funny. he is in a band called hello lobster. he plays casio keyboards. he likes miami vice. he probably doesn’t really like death cab. probably.
The Heavenly Spies joined forces in an underground assassin training camp outside Topeka, Kansas after finding a common love for both sleuthing and slinking. The girls were kicked out of assassin training after getting caught having a pillow fight in assassin secret headquarters. So they decided to leave the traditional constraints of espionage and join forces in sexpionage. Members of The Heavenly Spies are Agent Rhinestone, James Blonde, Double Oh…Sassy, Legs Galore and Honey Sexpot. Their specialties include fishing for clues, fishnets, inept guards, garters, lip-reading, lip-locking, secret societies, Victoria’s Secret, venom tolerance, vodka tolerance, going undercover and going under the covers. You can find the spies in their latest burlesque show The Heavenly Spies present “Bang Bang” at The CanCan starting mid-January. Visit myspace.com/theheavenlyspies.
So, I ordered a couple of t-shirts online yesterday. I look at it as personality back up in case I say something stupid in a social situation. Or spit on someone while talking. Or spill something down my shirt. Or call someone “Jen” twelve times before they tell me their name is “Karen”. Or fall. Fall really hard and painful-like, because I do that often. But it’s ok because if I do fall, I can just point at the shirt and say “Trust me, I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but I am not a tool. Just look at my shirt.”
Here’s the first.
And the second.
“Aren’t they grool? I mean great. And cool.” Never mind, just focus on the shirts.
A few weeks ago our burlesque troupe, The Heavenly Spies, had a photo shoot for our upcoming show. The photographer, who was really quite fabulous, kept saying things like—tilt your head up…give me bedroom eyes….open your mouth a little…a little more…
I can visualize the look he was going for with his facial choreography (poreography?). I tried it, I really did. So why, oh why, does my face insist on doing this?
I look Ritz-cracker-ready. Able to pounce on a snack at any moment like a hungry, slutty jungle cat. I love you and that is why I have to eat you.
The site Careerbuilder.com recently released a list of the most obscure jobs they’ve seen pass through their eHalls. Behold, my top tenner and some one-sided wittyish snack banter.
1. Coffin Maker What they do: Build customized coffins, ranging from simple pine caskets to extravagant boxes. What I’d do: Invent the “bling to eternity” addition.
2. Potato Chip Inspector What they do: Oversee potato chips on an assembly line and check for overcooked or clumped chips to discard. What I’d do: Um, eat potato chips all day. Warm and slightly moist from the Artificial Flavor Sprayer 5000™. Delish!
3. Wax Figure Maker What they do: Mold wax to create figures, often, but not limited to, the human form. What I’d do: Satisfy my human instinct to clone myself with to-scale-plus-some wax Jessicas (I’d go with 5’5” versions of myself. With bigger boobs. And bigger hair.)
4. Foot Model What they do: Work as a “parts model,” modeling their feet for advertisements that feature footwear, lotions and other related-products. What I’d do: Start a trend in feet where the second toe is longer than the big toe. Do you have that? If so, than let me wish you a Happy Discover-you-have-a-defect Day! Congratulations! Learn more about your defect here.
5. Golf Ball Diver What they do: Search the depths of golf course bodies of water to find lost golf balls to refinish and resell. What I’d do: Quit immediately for fear of a Buster Seal attack.
6. Doll Doctor What they do: Repair, repaint and reassemble doll parts to doctor-up dolls that have missing, broken or damaged parts. What I’d do: Begin crying the moment I get to work. I have always had an indescribable fear of dolls. With skin in the pasty hue of dead and their glassy-eyed stare. The dismemberment only adds to my fear.
7. Solfeggist What they do: Listen to recorded music and monitor notes in indistinguishable compositions. What I’d do: They “monitor notes in indistinguishable compositions”? What does that mean? That’s like being the only on who speaks a language. Solfeggitaboudit.
8. Mermaid What they do: Entertain crowds as an underwater performer. What I’d do: Exactly as it says. SLAP A FIN ON ME AND CALL ME AQUAMARINE!
9. Whiskey Ambassador What they do: Drink and explain the proper ways to serve and savor various whiskeys. What I’d do: Doesn’t everyone do this with all sorts of alcohol? NEXT!
10. Snow Researcher What they do: Collect and analyze ice crystals in snow to study the effects of pollution on area snowfall. What I’d do: Uncover the conspiracy that there are 100 terms for the word snow. Cause that is bullshit. I have yet to hear one other then, um, SNOW.
Here’s a photo of a horrid Dolly Parton impersonator cause I felt like it: